


Hold On To This Lullaby

by thenotyetpublishedpen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I promise this does get happy, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Post-First War with Voldemort, Remus Lupin Lives, Remus Lupin Raises Harry Potter, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black Raises Harry Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Raise Harry Potter, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28891296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenotyetpublishedpen/pseuds/thenotyetpublishedpen
Summary: What if Lily had called out for Sirius through the two-way mirror that Halloween night? What if Remus had summoned the Order and refused to leave Sirius' side?A Wolfstar raises Harry fic.Angsty beginning but with a lot of happiness once we get past Halloween.Updated every Wednesday and Saturday.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 97
Kudos: 247





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with a scenario that I think could very quickly get Harry into their custody. This fic is going to explore some of the trauma that Remus and Sirius experienced during the war. It should be cathartic. It will have lots of happiness and joy and silly shenanigans. They’re all going to work through their past and problems and heal together. Though it starts with heavy angst in the first couple of chapters and has some sprinkled throughout, there will be plenty of fluff. It is largely going to be cute and domestic. This fic will have a happy ending. 
> 
> I plan to update weekly. I anticipate this fic ending up at around 25,000 words and 25 chapters.
> 
> Title from Taylor Swift’s “Safe and Sound”
> 
> I condemn JKR’s transphobic views. As a member of the LGBT community I fully support my trans siblings. Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary people are valid in their identity. They deserve love, support, and respect. With my fan fiction work I aim to tell the stories of characters who weren’t primary characters within the original work and increase the representation of marginalized identities, whether that be gender, sexuality, or race. The Harry Potter world as a whole does belong to JKR, but the stories we create from it belong to us: the readers.

It was a cool Halloween night and Remus and Sirius were relaxing with a flagon of butterbeer, legs tangled on the couch in their little London flat. The day had gone by quickly enough and Remus was looking forward to a calm evening. Today had been a bit of a break in the chaos that was this war and he wanted to sit in this respite as long as he could.

“Sirius!” a woman’s voice whispered frantically from inside Sirius’ robe, breaking the mood, “Sirius!”

Remus and Sirius shared a look. Sirius quickly pulled out a small, round mirror from his pocket. James had given it to him back in Hogwarts so that they could always talk to each other. But this wasn’t James’ voice now. Remus felt a chill swirling in his veins that had nothing to do with the butterbeer. 

“Lily? What’s wrong?” Sirius said.

“He’s here! Sirius, he’s here! He’s found us!”

“Merlin’s beard” Remus swore, leaping to his feet and quickly conjuring a patronus as Sirius desperately tried to talk to Lily. “Meet at Godric’s Hollow church. They’ve been found. Go!” 

The silvery translucent wolf nodded its head before splitting into multiple copies and running in different directions. Remus couldn’t think of the address. Couldn’t say it out loud from the Fidelius Charm protecting its residents. He knew where they lived, though. He could say the town and a place close-by to bring help to them. The Order of the Phoenix would be fast. They had to be.

“I’ve summoned the Order, Lily, help is coming-”

“NO!” She shrieked. The mirror lit up green with a flash. “James!”

“Get out of there, Lily!” Sirius yelled, “Apparate here!”

Lily’s mirror dropped to the ground. All they could see was the dimly lit ceiling with its glowing, tiny, little painted stars enchanted to look like the dog star constellation. Harry’s room.

“Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!”

“Stand aside, you silly girl…stand aside, now…” A shrill voice hissed.

“Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead– Not Harry! Please…have mercy…have mercy…”

Remus and Sirius apparated out of their flat, racing to Godric’s Hollow as Lily screamed. 

They arrived at the little cottage in Godric’s Hollow quickly, but it was immediately clear that they weren’t quick enough. Remus’ stomach flipped. A large hole in the side of the upstairs outer wall revealed what he knew to be the inside of Harry’s bedroom.

“No!” 

“JAMES!” Sirius yelled, running straight inside. Remus swore and ran after him. Members of the Order would be arriving by the church soon. They’d have back up. Mad Eye, at least, knew the location of the house. The battered but brilliant auror could join them himself even if he couldn’t bring others. 

James lay across the floor of the living room and Remus could almost pretend that he was sleeping. Sirius dropped to his knees beside him and carefully replaced the glasses that had fallen off of James’ nose. 

“James?” Remus asked uselessly. 

If he had not already been crying, the scream that tore from Sirius’ throat would have assured it. 

“Get up, James, damn you. Don’t you do this.” 

“Sirius. He’s-” Remus could not make himself finish the sentence. “Merlin, no, look: his wand is on the couch.”

“Why wouldn’t you have your wand, you brave, bloody idiot?” 

Remus couldn’t stand it anymore. He could feel the walls trembling, or maybe that was just him. But maybe, just maybe Lily had escaped. He pulled himself from Sirius’s side and ran up the stairs.

“Lily!”

Lily lay unmarked on the ground, like her husband. Still. So still. From the open door he could tell that her body was wrapped protectively around Harry’s. She would guard her son, even in death. 

“Oh, Lily.” Remus reached forward to close her eyes. He couldn’t bear to see the green without its spark of life. A whimper beneath her sent him reeling backwards. Carefully, so carefully he moved her arms, unwrapping them to better see the babe they covered. 

Harry blinked up at him.

“Sirius!” Remus called. “Sirius!” 

He could not wait for Sirius to join him. Remus gently lifted up the boy, clutching him to his chest. “There now, Uncle Moony’s got you. You’re safe.” 

Sirius was in the doorway when he turned. He seemed to not have words for once in his life. 

“Harry’s alive.” Remus said. It was unnecessary, really, with the boy blinking up at him, unblemished save for a fresh scar that slashed across his forehead. In that same way, it was totally necessary. Wordlessly, Sirius took Harry from Remus and held him tightly in his arms. The small boy tucked his head beneath Sirius’ chin and nestled in closely.

Remus and Sirius walked out of the house slowly, as if fighting their way through thick mud that sucked at their ankles and threatened to stop them. They were unsurprised to see a good number of the Order of the Phoenix waiting there by the gate. Without anyone to protect, the Fidelius Charm had worn off and revealed the little house to everyone who might pass it. 

“They’re dead.” Remus forced himself to say, knowing Sirius could not. He wrapped one arm around Sirius’ waist to steady himself. “He killed James and Lily.” 

“It was Peter.” Sirius spat. “The rat was the rat all along,” His eyes met with Dumbledore’s evenly, “We changed Secret Keepers to him last minute. Double bluff. The bastard suggested it and we went along with it. Put me under Veritaserum if you’d like. How could I be so _stupid_.” 

Remus tightened his grip around Sirius, who had begun to shake. 

“I’m going after him.” Sirius with an evenness to his tone that Remus both envied and feared.

“ _We’re_ going after him,” Remus corrected him. He scanned the crowd, “I just need-”

“I’ll take the lad,” Hagrid volunteered. “Me and Fang’ll watch over him ‘til you’re back.” 

“Perhaps Mr. Lupin should stay with the child while Mr. Black searches.” Dumbledore suggested in an oddly intense voice, staring down at Remus through his half moon spectacles. Remus had the odd feeling of being a schoolboy once more, but grief numbed any shame that might bring him. 

“No,” Remus insisted firmly, “he stays within my sight tonight.”

The overlapping voices and quick movements around the cottage were pure chaos. Or perhaps it just felt that way to Remus, who was having a very hard time concentrating. James and Lily were dead. He knew it, but the information felt wrong, like his brain wanted to skip over it. The meaning of that statement felt slick, like he couldn’t get a firm grasp on it in his mind. What he did know, though, was the desperate need not to be separated from Sirius that night. They needed each other. 

A loud pop of apparition startled everyone and took the lid off the argument that threatened to boil over, allowing it to settle into a simmer. 

Frank and Alice Longbottom appeared by the church across the way, wrapped around each other with a screaming baby Neville between them. 

“Shhhhh, now, shh it’s alright, it’s over now, my brave, brave boy,” Alice said, bouncing and soothing the babe while walking quickly towards the group with her husband.

“The bloody bastards came for us!” Frank said loudly, not reading the solemn mood of the group, “We only just saw them at the edge of our wards when your patronus came, Remus. Thanks for that. I think I hit Bellatrix, but we side-alonged out of there before I could check. I know we shouldn’t have apparated with Neville being so young, but I really didn’t want to stick around and see what was coming.”

“Frank…” Alice warned, looking up from Neville whose sobs had quieted down to a steady sniffle. She took in the solemn faces. Sirius trembling weakly. The baby in his arms. The tear tracks down Remus’ face. “The Potters didn’t get out in time, did they?”

Frank swore loudly. Remus tightened his grip around Sirius’ waist, tucking his wand into his robes to use both hands. This wasn’t the time. He could feel himself breaking apart. The nights where the moon broke his bones and ripped his skin hurt less than this. He had to stay steady now, though. For Sirius. He couldn’t give in to the pain and grief that threatened to overpower him.

As if on cue, Sirius’ shaking intensified. It was a laugh. An awful laugh that bubbled somewhere out of his chest and crawled up his throat. It crackled through the still night, spreading a chill as cold as any Dementor’s kiss. 

“Oh, Sirius.” Remus supported Harry, still wrapped in Sirius’ arms and helped guide his partner to the ground. Sirius could no longer stand, could not hold himself together. That was alright. Remus was there. He could hold Sirius’ pieces close when they threatened to shatter. He would deal with his own pain later. For now, Sirius needed him more. Sirius and Harry. The thought cleared his mind. 

_Harry’s alive._ He reminded himself. _Harry is alive._ He wasn’t sure, though, if that were better or worse. 

He held on tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm going to save Sirius from Azkaban then I might as well save Frank and Alice Longbottom from torture! A dark beginning, but there is joy to come.


	2. Chapter 2

Ultimately, Emmeline Vance and Mad-Eye went to track down Peter. It was better this way, they assured Remus and Sirius, better to have aurors take him down officially. Remus was unsurprised when Dumbledore asked to speak to Sirius alone, leaving him to hold Harry.

The boy had finally fallen asleep when sunlight gave its first gentle kiss to the horizon. Remus sat on the stairs to Hogwarts, waiting for Sirius to come out of Dumbledore’s office. He did not want to be far from Sirius. A feeling that something bad would happen if he strayed too far from his partner’s side stuck heavily in his throat.

Remus wrapped his robes carefully around the small boy, adding comfort to the warming charm that bubbled them against the crisp fall air. Hogwarts was beautiful in any season, but Remus loved it in autumn. The Forbidden Forest looked alluring dressed in reds and golds. Fall meant feasts and pranks and casual reading far from the threat of exams. It meant comfort and friendship. Or it  _ had. _ Remus was re-evaluating his opinions on the season, to say the least. 

Mercifully the door behind him creaked open and Sirius’ footsteps distracted him before he could think too deeply about Hogwarts and everything it meant to him. Everything he lost here. 

“Let’s go home.” Sirius said

“All three of us?” 

“Yes!” Sirius snapped, eyes flashing. “I’m his godfather, he stays with  _ me _ .”

“Alright,” Remus said slowly, “I wasn’t saying otherwise.” 

“I’m sorry, Remus, I- we’ll talk at home.” 

Sirius took Harry back into his arms without waking him and they walked down the path to Hogsmeade to hail the Knight Bus to get back to their London flat. Neither man wanted to risk apparating with the baby. He’d been through enough trauma that night to be subjected to the intense, dizzying pressure of apparition. Little Neville’s screams from apparition echoed in his ears until they melded with Lily’s. Morphed into Harry’s. Made him think of James.  _ James. _

Once they were on the Knight Bus, however, Remus wished with everything he had that they had taken the risk and apparated or thought to use the Floo. He would have taken hours of flying on a freezing broomstick from Hogwarts all the way to London over this. 

“YOU KNOW WHO HAS BEEN DEFEATED” emblazoned across the Daily Prophet in every early commuter’s hands.

Sirius and Remus sunk deeply into their robes and Sirius tucked Harry away beneath his carefully out of sight. He concentrated on his breathing, burying the panic that bubbled sickly in his chest. 

“Merlin, thank Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived!” yelled one bus rider who had clearly drank more than his fair share already that morning. A general cheer sounded through the bus. Sirius flinched and pulled his robes closer together, but the man had clearly not seen him. 

Not for the first time, Remus wished away the lycanthropy scars across his own body. They made him recognizable in an instant, as bold scars were wont to do. Poor Harry, barely a year old and already marked in his own, even more obvious way. They’d have to be careful with who saw the lightning bolt scar that marred his otherwise soft baby skin. 

Remus could only just meet Sirius’ eyes. How did the papers know already? 

The Knight Bus pulled up outside their London flat with a familiar screech and slamming of brakes. The scene on the street was even more chaotic. It seemed that the end of the war made everyone forget that the statute of secrecy even existed. Wizards in full robes sent merry sparks into the sky. A general call of, “Long live Harry Potter! Long live The Boy Who Lived!” echoed up and down the street, though it was only barely past dawn. They had to weave past far too many people for this time of day to get from the curb to the building. The Wizarding World was celebrating. 

“They don’t even care,” Remus said as he shut the door to the street behind him and Sirius and they began to walk up the stairs to their third story flat. “They don’t care about James, about Lily.” 

“The war is over,” Sirius said flatly, “they don’t care how.” 

Remus flinched at that realization. Could the war really be over? Voldemort was dead, truly dead from a backfiring killing curse, according to Dumbledore. Somehow gentle, tiny,  _ innocent  _ Harry had managed to do what so many fully trained wizards had not. Somehow he had saved the Wizarding World.

Somehow he had lost everything.

_ No,  _ Remus corrected himself,  _ not everything. _ Harry had Sirius still. Harry had  _ him, _ as horrifying a thought as that was. 

“What do we do now?” Remus had not truly considered what life would be like after the war. After this past year he wasn’t sure there  _ would _ be life after the war. So many lives wasted.

Marlene McKinnon’s death was fresh in his mind. They had been close in Hogwarts, in the same year in Gryffindor. She was on the quidditch team with James, and there had never been a better Beater. Her quick wit reminded him of Sirius. The pair had bonded instantly, constantly flirting with silver tongued quips. She had been killed earlier this year along with her entire family. Voldemort had killed her girlfriend, Dorcas Meadowes, personally. Remus shuddered. His chances of surviving the war had felt very slim after that. Dorcas was such a talented witch. Her counter-curses were absolutely devastating. If she couldn’t make it through, how could he?

But he did make it through. He and Sirius both survived the war. Here they stood, exhausted and heartbroken in a tiny London flat with far too few bedrooms to house a family that had suddenly grown. 

_ Well, _ he considered. It had grown by one and shrunk by two. By  _ three _ , really. His heart ached at Peter’s betrayal. He felt a horrible pang of guilt coupled with vague disbelief. How could he not have noticed? Surely there had to have been signs. Why did he do it? Why didn’t he go to Remus for help if he had been in trouble? When did quiet Peter,  _ loyal _ Peter, Peter who was always waiting to lend an ear or a bar of chocolate, turn into a traitor? He had been distant these last few months, but who hadn't been struggling with the war? He could hardly bring himself to believe it, though he knew it must be true. The secret had been given up and only the Secret Keeper could do that. But a spy? _Peter?_

“What do we do?” Sirius repeated, pulling him from his spiraling thoughts. “We keep going.”

We keep going. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit ahead on my writing schedule for this fic, so have an early chapter, as a treat! Thank you to everyone who has commented, left a kudos, or just is here reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Remus transfigured the coffee table into a passable crib. The flat would have to be baby proofed, he thought vaguely. They’d need to go grocery shopping. Maybe someone could go back to the cottage in Godric’s Hollow and get Harry’s things. He wasn’t sure if he could go back, himself. He knew he’d see James and Lily everywhere. Lily’s unseeing eyes. He shuddered at the thought. There was a funeral to plan.

“What did Dumbledore say?” He asked when Sirius set Harry down in the crib. The night’s events had clearly exhausted the boy, who still slept soundly. Madame Pomfrey had come down to check him out when they were at Hogwarts, along with a healer from St. Mungo’s who specialized in Unforgivable Curses. The healer may have been the expert, but Remus trusted Pomfrey above anyone else. It was she, after all, who nursed him to health after every full moon for seven years. Harry had been given the all clear by both witches. Nothing dark or damaging remained in his system. He’d have no further physical damage save for the lightning shaped scar that slashed across his forehead. 

“ _ Dumbledore, _ ” Sirius said with a scoff, “seems to think it best for us to send Harry off to live with some aunt he’s never met. I won’t do it, Remus. You know how Petunia was about Lily’s magic when they were kids. James never liked that muggle husband of hers. If they wanted Harry to go to them they would’ve named them as godparents. But they didn’t. They named  _ me. _ He’s staying with us.”

Remus nodded his head slowly. Sirius sighed, suddenly somber. Remus knew him well enough to tell that a speech was brewing.

“This must be a lot for you, Rem. I… I understand if you have hesitations. I can’t leave him, though. He needs me.” Remus was startled to see tears brimming at Sirius’ eyes. “I  _ need _ him. And I need you. Don’t… leave. If you can. Stay.” 

Remus was thrown back to two years prior and Lily’s pregnancy announcement. It had shaken him to his core, the idea of a baby. Something so fragile and entirely dependent. He had been afraid of it, of the responsibility, of the danger that child was in simply for knowing him. He and Sirius had gotten into a fight that night. Remus, full of panic about the monster that stalked inside his skin. Full of a four year old’s nightmares of sharp teeth and a full moon. But James and Lily had scoffed when he offered to keep his distance. They trusted him. It was time he trusted himself. And now, looking at the helpless child in the crude crib in the middle of their living room, Remus knew he could never hurt him. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised, “Harry is ours now, we owe James and Lily that much. You can’t get rid of me that easily, Pads.” 

All the fight drained out of Sirius’ body. He was exhausted. They both were.

“I don’t think I have the strength to move the crib, but I can’t leave him alone. Not tonight.”

“Me neither,” Remus admitted, stretching out on the couch and raising up an arm for Sirius to lay down beside him. “I think this is as far as we’re getting tonight.”

Sirius cast a muffling spell on the apartment before crawling in to join Remus and the celebrations on the street mercifully muted. 

***

Some hours later, Remus woke with his arm asleep beneath Sirius’ middle and a cramp in his legs from the too short couch. He blinked slowly and was startled to see the crib was empty. He sat up with a jolt and was quickly calmed by an unexpected Molly Weasley.

“It’s alright! He’s with me.” 

“Merlin! You scared me, Molly.”

“Sorry, love. I popped by in the floo to offer some help and didn’t want to wake you boys when I saw you sleeping. He’s just fine, aren’t you, Harry?”

Harry gurgled a mouthful of squashed peas with a smile. Remus carefully climbed over Sirius’ still sleeping form to join Molly and Harry at the little kitchen table. 

“He’s a deep sleeper, the poor dear,” Molly mused.

“The world’s worst watchdog,” Remus agreed, smiling lightly at his little joke. 

“Come to me whenever you need anything,” Molly said sincerely, “My sixth, Ronnie, is about the same age as this one, I’ve got a bit of experience raising them. And there’s little Ginny, too, of course.”

Remus was startled to notice the very young baby swaddled to Molly’s chest. He felt a rush of awe, totally impressed by the powerhouse of a woman in his kitchen. If she could raise seven young children simultaneously, perhaps he and Sirius could handle the one. 

“Now, I’ve got to get back before this one wakes up from her nap, ooh the set of lungs on her, you wouldn’t believe it! I’ve left some baby food for Harry to get you started and a few of Percy’s old clothes. Someone from the Order will go and get his other things for you, dears.” Molly handed an impressively not baby food stained Harry to Remus and walked to the fireplace. “Remember, if you need anything at any time, just pop by The Burrow and we’ll get you sorted. Kids are not so hard once you figure them out a bit.” 

The flash of the floo as Molly returned home finally woke Sirius. 

“What was that?” He grumbled sleepily. 

“I think,” Remus said with a fond smile, “we may have found a guardian angel.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to try and keep up with 2 updates a week. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Remus accepted the warm cup of tea being pressed into his hand with a half hearted smile. The half-heartedness wasn’t an expression of his feelings towards the man handing it to him. No, Sirius made this world livable. He was the one who watched over Remus every full moon since they were in third year when Sirius (and James, and  _ Peter  _ though it hurt to think their names) turned themselves into animagi to keep him safe. The one who carefully followed Madam Pomfrey’s healing instructions for every moon after they graduated. It was Sirius who could always make him laugh, who knew every word to every Bowie song and would sing at the top of his lungs to coax out a smile. It was Sirius who could make his heart flutter with just a wink, send heat racing through his veins with a single raised eyebrow. And it was Sirius who made tea after a truly devastating funeral, all the while holding the orphaned child of their best friends in his arms. 

The half heartedness of Remus’ expression was simply a reaction to sheer exhaustion and grief. He made sure to tell Sirius that repeatedly, though it didn’t do much to soften the concern in his partner’s eyes. 

“Can you watch him for a minute? I need to get out of these dress robes.”

Remus nodded and took Harry from his arms, setting him carefully on the rug and sitting cross-legged in front of him.

“Hello there, Harry.”

“Moony.” Harry reached up and touched Remus’ face, which couldn’t help but break into a true smile.

“Yes, I’m your Uncle Moony. Uncle Padfoot will be back soon, he’s just in the other room.”

“Pafu!” Harry squealed. 

“Yes, Padfoot. We love you very, very much, Harry. Just like your mama and daddy loved you. You’ll be safe here” Remus knew that the fifteen month old likely did not understand most of the words he was saying, but he hoped the message would be clear. Something Sirius and Remus agreed on immediately was that Harry would know of his parents. They would keep pictures up and easily available. Stories would flow like good wine, even though it might hurt. There would be no pretending here. No softening the story of what heroes James and Lily had been. Harry would grow up to be proud of them. It had to start now, even on the day of their funeral, even though it might take everything Remus had to think about them. 

Remus didn’t notice that Sirius had come back into the room until he felt him crouch down next to him and place a warm, lingering kiss on top of his head. 

“I love you,” Remus said and turned his head to look up at Sirius, “I know how hard it is for you to not go searching for him. Thank you for staying.”

“Yes, yes, your  _ bad feeling _ ,” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, “I hate it, I do. I feel so useless.”

“It’s only been five days.” Remus reminded him. “He’ll turn up. But also…. We can’t even know for sure that it’s Peter’s fault. What if he was forced, Sirius? What if he’s somewhere hurt now? Maybe he needs our help.”

Sirius was already shaking his head before he finished.

“Even if they were torturing him he should have just died, then. Died before giving up his friends. I would’ve. It was so  _ stupid _ to change Secret Keepers, I can’t believe I let it happen. I  _ suggested  _ it.”

“This isn’t your fault, Padfoot. If you’d have known you’d never have let it happen. You couldn’t have known he’d betray them. No one did.”

“Pafu!” Harry squealed again, shifting their focus and brightening the mood instantly, as if someone had yanked open heavy curtains to reveal the light of day. He looked up from the small stuffed black dog that he was rubbing along the top of the renewed coffee table. Someone from the Order had brought over most of Harry’s things from the cottage at Godric’s Hollow. Remus and Sirius still couldn’t bring themselves to return there. The small boy gripped the edge of the table to balance himself, teetering precariously on his little legs. With an adorably determined look, he took two steps towards Sirius before dropping down to his knees.

“Pads, did you see?”

“Yes,” Sirius breathed. “Do you think…?”

“They saw,” Remus said firmly, “She told me that he’d taken his first steps when we stopped by to drop off candy that morning. They saw.” 

Sirius nodded quickly and wiped at the tears threatening to brim over his eyes with one sleeve before scooping up Harry, who had crawled the rest of the way into his lap. 

“Hello, there, you!” Sirius blew an enormous raspberry into Harry’s belly through his onesie. Harry giggled and squirmed with glee. Remus couldn’t help but smile another true smile, one that touched his eyes this time. Sirius wrestling a baby was in his element. He was absolutely a natural. 

Pride flooded his body, spreading out from his chest to the tip of every finger and toe. If only Walburga and Orion Black could see the kind, caring, wonderful man their son had become. They’d probably hate it, call him undignified for rolling on the floor with this beautiful half-blood child. Nevermind what they’d think of the werewolf boyfriend he’d be raising that child with. Remus thought it might almost be worth it to see the look of horror on their faces. 

Although, if Remus were within hexing distance of Sirius’ so called parents he would make them regret every cruelty they’d ever inflicted on their son.  _ Perhaps,  _ he thought not for the first time, it was best for the rest of the Blacks that Sirius stay estranged. There was nothing like a werewolf with a twitchy wand hand to settle a score. 

He let Harry’s giggling and Sirius’ matching laughter pull him back into their warm living room where a fire crackled in the fireplace, tea warmed his hand from within its mug, and his far too handsome partner wrestled adorably with a baby. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comment for Uncle Pafu? 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one update this week, so it's a longer one.

Nearly two weeks passed fairly smoothly. Harry was a quiet baby. Bright, quick to laughter, especially when his  _ Pafu _ was involved. He made the days immediately post war pass a lot more quickly. Perhaps that was also because between taking care of Harry, Order meetings, and missions to round up known Death Eaters, Remus found himself nearly too tired to mourn. He knew it wasn’t entirely healthy, working himself this hard. Still, he did little to slow his pace. He would have a mandatory break for at least a day or two starting tomorrow. Remus glanced up at the wide and waxing moon above him as he walked home. It alone was visible in the sky, stars hidden by London’s light pollution. Well, that wasn’t  _ entirely _ true. If he squinted he could just make out the dog star, flickering out a hopeful glow. The brightest star in the night sky, Sirius always watched over him. 

The man by the same name as the point of light, however, was becoming  _ quite _ annoying and overly protective.

“I’ve talked to Molly,” Sirius said before Remus could even close the door behind him upon entering their flat. “She and Arthur will take Harry tomorrow night. We can pick him up the next morning.”

“Hello to you too, Sirius.” Remus shrugged off his jacket, hanging it up on the coat rack and toed off his shoes by the door. His muscles ached in that familiar pre-moon way and he just wanted to curl up in bed and block out the world, not rehash an argument they’d been having for the past few days. 

“I was thinking we could go to that bit of forest up by Inverie. It’s so beautiful there.”

“Sirius,” Remus sighed, “just stay here with Harry. I’ll feel better if I know he’s safe with you.” 

“I don’t like it, Remus. You know how you get when you’re stressed. It’s going to be a bad one, I can feel it. Let me go with you, please.” 

“Stay here with Harry,” Remus repeated.

“If I do, will you promise to join the pack then, at least? You said it’s better with others.”

“Not likely,” Remus said with just a touch of bitterness. “Greyback’s lot will have dissolved after the war ended. Most were only there for the support of the group, and it won’t be safe for them now that we’ve won.” 

Even within the Order there were those who were uncomfortable with Remus’ lycanthropy. He didn’t blame them, as much as he might want to. He knew, though, just as the other werewolves must, that the end of the war did not entirely mean a safer place for their kind.

“Where will you go then?” 

“The Shrieking Shack,” Remus admitted quietly. “I’ve already written to Dumbledore and Pomfrey. She’ll be standing by to check in on me in the morning.”

“Remus-” 

“Don’t. My mind is made up. Stay here with Harry. I’ll feel better knowing that the two of you are safe and together. That will help, trust me. I don’t want to keep throwing him in new places. Not after all he’s been through.” 

Sirius nodded his head tersely and just like that the argument was over. Though he won the fight Remus felt no sense of relief or celebration. A cramp rippled across his torso and tightened his lungs, prompting him to say a wincing goodnight to Harry and bury himself under blankets in their room. 

The next day, the day of the full moon, Sirius busied himself attending to Remus’ every need in a way that reminded him sorely of James. He must have picked it up from James’ mother, Euphemia, who was the definition of a mother hen. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what he did to mask the taste.” Sirius handed Remus a potion to help soothe his pre-transformation aches.

It was a weak sort of pain relief and left him feeling a bit numb on top of the lingering throbbing, but it was the only thing to bring any sort of relief. The bitter taste made him grimace and miss James all at once. Sirius never had a hand for potions in quite the same way James did, though he made sure to learn all of the necessary ones to help Remus. Remus wondered if the war had ended but James had survived if James would have already enrolled in formal healing training at St. Mungo’s. He’d talked for years about becoming a healer like Euphemia. Would’ve gone straight into it if not for the war. Remus pushed the thoughts aside with some trouble. That potion always had the unfortunate side effect of making him sappy. 

Before dusk, Remus said goodnight to Harry and Sirius and promised to see them both in the morning. Sirius grabbed his wrist before he could walk out the door and kissed him carefully, slowly, as if he might break. 

“Take care, tonight, Moony,” Sirius said, “We love you very much.”

***

Remus woke up the next morning to bright walls and a curtain surrounding him. The hospital wing at Hogwarts, he realized vaguely. It had been years since he’d woken up there with no memory of how he got there. Well, that wasn’t a good sign. He tried to remember what had happened last night and could only bring up flashes. Worries about Sirius and Harry. A deep aching loneliness. Trying to break free from the Shack. Clawing at his face when that failed. A long and mournful howl. Blinking more as he came fully into consciousness, he was horrified to realize that he was only staring at the room through one eye.

“My eye-” He whispered, reaching up to touch a bandage wrapping across his face.

“Is just fine under that bandage. Your eye is alright, Remus, you’re okay.”

_ Sirius. _

“It’s alright, I’m here now,” Sirius said, scooting closer in his bedside chair to hold Remus’ hand. 

“Harry?”

“On a playdate with the youngest Weasley boy and happy to be there.” 

“How bad is it?”

“It was a bad night,” Sirius admitted after a long pause. His face was ashen and taut. “You broke your hip and dislocated a shoulder, cut in pretty deep on your side, too, but Pomfrey fixed those up just fine. Remus, you… you’ve got a scratch on your face now. It’s going to leave a scar.”

“I want to see.” 

Madame Pomfrey pulled the curtain aside just then and set a small mirror by his side. 

“Hello, dear. You gave us a bit of a scare.” 

At seeing her, in this same room with Sirius at his side, Remus felt absurdly like a student again. He found himself waiting for James to pipe up with questions for Pomfrey. For Peter to shove chocolate in his lap. He breathed in sharply, wincing at the memory, and let Sirius and the good healer think that his pain was only physical.

Madame Pomfrey carefully removed the bandages from Remus’ face and he stared at the reflection in the mirror. The scars were red and raised, healed by the best of Pomfrey’s considerable abilities so they looked cleaner than they had any right to. Still, it was a magical wound so the scars would never fully disappear. The largest one began above his right eyebrow and slashed across his nose, fading off at the cheekbone. Another small one nicked at his chin and another left an almost tasteful slit in his left eyebrow. 

He knew it was vain, but the scars across his face bothered him more than he’d care to admit. He’d made it to twenty one years old, nearly seventeen years as a werewolf without managing to injure his face noticeably, just to waste all that effort in one night. His other injuries could be hidden easily enough. He’d much preferred being teased for long sleeves in the summer to the shocked stares he’d get otherwise. He reminded himself forcefully that they would fade, that the angry red color would pale and the swelling would reduce until they became nothing more than light flashes across his face. Just marks like lightning.

Lightning.  _ Harry. _ The wolf must have been more concerned about the boy than he’d thought. He sighed deeply and set down the mirror. 

“How do I look?” Remus deadpanned.

“Honestly, Rem, you look tough. Bloody cool, like a pirate or something.” He smirked that signature Sirius Black smile that made Remus’ heart flutter. 

Trust Sirius to always make him laugh. A pirate! Somehow, he felt just a bit better about the scars.

Later that night when they had apparated back home (side-along to preserve Remus’ strength) and Sirius had picked Harry back up from the Weasley’s and put him to bed, they curled up in their bed together. Sirius traced the scars very lightly across his face, following his finger with feather light kisses.

“Please don’t make me do that again.” He whispered.

“Do what?” Remus asked, voice thick with sleep.

“Stay here without you. During the moon. Please. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.”

Remus opened his eyes and scanned Sirius’ face, searching for something though he could not tell what. The street lights lit their room far more than the waning moon. Remus could just make out Sirius’ face, framed by dark and wild hair. His gray eyes were bright with concern and maybe even fear, jaw tight and clenched. He ran a thumb over the space between Sirius’ eyebrows, trying to smooth the worry there.

“Alright,” Remus promised, “we’ll go to Inverie for the next moon. Together.”

He felt the tension drain out of Sirius with a long and relieved sigh. Sirius pulled Remus’ hand from his face and kissed each knuckle gently. 

“Thank you,” Sirius whispered fervently, “thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Remus turned around and wrapped Sirius’ arm across his body, pulling the man closely against his back. He had the distinct feeling that  _ he _ should be thanking Sirius and not the other way around. But he was tired and Sirius was warm and he didn’t have the energy to express that thought while wrapped safely in his arms. 

“Goodnight, Moony.”

“Goodnight, Pads.”


	6. Chapter 6

It was nearly Christmas before Remus and Sirius could bring themselves to go back to the cottage in Godric’s Hollow. Sirius stepped through the floo first, saying “The Burrow'' confidently and disappearing in a puff of green. Harry tucked in closer against Remus’ chest at the flash of light, making displeased whimpers as he always did when the floo was used. Remus soothed him with a ruffle of his hair and the two of them followed after Sirius.

Remus was beginning to feel more confident with Harry now, after nearly two months as his primary caregiver. He didn’t have Sirius’ ease with the boy, his carefree comfort and instant connection, but they’d bonded in their own quiet way. Harry made it easy. He was a quiet and happy baby, overall. James and Lily had done well. He would do everything he could to uphold their hopes and dreams and sacrifice for this tiny child. 

The Burrow was loud and bright and chaotic and entirely comfortable. It reminded Remus, in an odd way, of the Gryffindor common room. Sirius was already surrounded by a gaggle of red headed children. A toddler aged twin clung to each of his legs. 

“Hello, Remus, dear, you can set him down with Ronnie over there,” Molly said, gesturing to the corner of the room where a baby Harry’s age chewed determinedly on a battered and stuffed dragon’s wing that an older boy was trying to pull away from him. “Charlie, let Ron have that old toy, already, you haven’t played with it in years! William, will you get the twins off of Sirius?”

“It’s  _ Bill _ , mum!” The oldest Weasley child said, still in his Hogwarts robes and a Gryffindor tie. Probably a first year, Remus thought. He remembered how proud he was that first holiday back home in his own little robes and tie. 

“Honestly, Molly, I don’t know how you do it,” Remus said with a shake of his head as Bill and Charlie began to wrestle, “Are you absolutely sure you don’t mind watching over Harry for a bit today?” 

“He’s no bother at all, what’s an eighth when there are already seven running about?” She said, “Besides, Arthur should be home soon-”

The door opened to punctuate her sentence and five red haired boys ran to tackle Arthur Weasley, who fell dramatically to the floor under the force of enough children to make an entire Quidditch team. Ron waddled determinedly after them, giving up to crawl after a couple of steps. Molly walked over to her husband, who still lay on the floor, and handed him the littlest baby before coming back to Remus and extending her arms to take Harry.

“You boys take your time, okay?” She said kindly, “We’ll be just fine here.”

***

Remus and Sirius extricated themselves from the pack of children and went to the little shed behind the Weasley’s house to get Sirius’ pride and joy: his motorcycle. He’d been letting Arthur look at it for a bit as a sort of thank you for agreeing to watch over Harry during the full moons. Arthur was completely fascinated by everything Muggle in a way that bordered on obsessive, but Sirius loved being able to show off his bike. It would have been easier, of course, to simply apparate to Godric’s Hollow, but this would be  _ much _ more fun. Besides, Remus really didn’t want to go back to the village the same way he did last time. The thought of popping back into existence in front of the torn building, a shell of the love that once lived there, made his stomach drop. This would be better. They could ease themselves into it rather than get there in one burst. 

“Alright?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s do this. Are you?”

Sirius swung a leg gracefully over the motorcycle and patted the seat behind him instead of answering. Remus clambered on with less grace, feeling more than a little silly as he wrapped his soft, jumper covered arms around Sirius’ firm chest and supple leather jacket. He was acutely aware of the odd pair they made. Still, the pleased groan he felt vibrate through Sirius’ body over the loud growling of the engine made him smile. He was, somehow and still unbelievably to him, very much wanted here. 

A thrill traveled through his body and his stomach felt like it decided not to join them and stayed behind on solid ground when the bike raised steadily into the air. He didn’t mind the motorcycle as much when they simply drove around the streets, but the sky was an entirely different matter. He wasn’t even a fan of flying on broomsticks, much less this death machine of an unidentified flying object. Still, he knew Sirius loved it more than just about anything, and he trusted whatever spellwork Sirius had done on it to hold. His spells had always been strong and brilliant, just like the rest of him. 

He tucked his head in against Sirius’ back and closed his eyes against the sharp whip of the cold wind. It had the added benefit of him not being able to see how high up they are. He could feel how relaxed Sirius was with just the two of them flying quickly on the noisy motorcycle. For most of the ride from The Burrow to Godric’s Hollow he could pretend that they were in a simpler time. Forget the war, the betrayal, the deaths. He could close off the world and it could be just the two of them. Two young men barely in their twenties happy, having fun, and blissfully in love. 

To distract himself from the height, he concentrated on the strong lines of Sirius’ body. His partner oozed confidence, controlling the large bike between his muscular thighs. Sirius’ long, dark hair whipped into Remus’ face, forcing him to tuck his head closer into Sirius’ neck. He could feel Sirius’ face pull into an even larger smile, though he dared not open his eyes to check. It had been so long since they’d been like this. Just the two of them out in the world, alone without the threat of a moon or a mission hanging over their heads. He missed it. He missed the looseness that spread through Sirius’ muscles the faster they flew. It was contagious. Everywhere they touched he felt a sense of calm until eventually that feeling flowed through his entire being. 

The capillary effect of love. 

Eventually, Remus was able to relax and even brought himself to pull away from the shield of Sirius’s back and look around, though he kept a tight hold around his partner’s waist. It was truly beautiful, he had to admit. The English countryside sprawled around them as far as he could see. There was a sense of freedom to fly above it all, hidden by a concealment spell so that random Muggles wouldn’t notice the large motorcycle and its two riders zipping by overhead. Though he was loath to admit it, he could see why Sirius loved the motorcycle. Remus might even have to find excuses for them to go out on it more often. Without, of course, admitting to him that he may have found a change of heart about the noisy death trap of a thing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I appreciate every single comment and kudos and hit so very much. They are truly so motivating.  
> Up Next: Godric's Hollow.


	7. Chapter 7

Sirius became much less relaxed in Remus’ arms when Godric’s Hollow came into view. Remus pressed his forehead deeply into Sirius’ shoulder in comfort, knowing he couldn’t say anything that would be heard over the roar of the motorcycle’s engine. That in itself was a bit of a blessing. There were no words that he could conjure to make this any better. 

The village looked so peaceful. That was why James and Lily had chosen it, of course. It was a gentle place, somewhere far away from the clamor and danger of big cities. It would be safe there; a good place to raise children.

It should have been.

It  _ would _ have been, if not for Peter. 

Peter. 

Oh,  _ Peter. _ The betrayal hurt him deeply and he couldn’t help but push into the pain every time it passed through his mind. He poked at it like a bruise, just to feel the throbbing intensify. To remind himself of the harm. To pick at the scab so that it might bleed again and reopen the wound. To make sure the scar it left was ugly and uneven and raised. 

The Order had been rounding up Death Eater’s after Voldemort’s fall. Just last month the Lestranges (Bellatrix, her husband Rodolphus, and his brother Rabastan) had been sent off to Azkaban along with Barty Crouch Jr. That certainly caused a stir, to have the son of a Ministry employee sent off to Azkaban as one of Voldemort’s most loyal followers. It was Bellatrix who had confirmed it, ultimately. Through teasing, horrible laughter she taunted the Order about Peter’s betrayal. Sirius had to be physically restrained from attacking his cousin, much to her amusement. She grew louder as he struggled. 

They stopped going to watch trials after that.

The motorcycle landed bumpily along the cobblestone street in front of the cottage. It looked much the same as it had two months ago, hole in the wall and all. Wordlessly, Remus and Sirius climbed off the motorcycle and walked to the door. They hesitated at the little gate around the garden: a weak line of defense. How little it had done to save them. He couldn’t help but think that he and Sirius were like this fence. That they were just as symbolic, just as useless when it came to protecting James and Lily. The familiar guilt roiled his stomach. If only he’d been faster. Gotten there sooner. If only the Marauders had trusted each other more, loved each other a little harder and more openly. Listened just that much more carefully. Maybe they would have seen the signs. Maybe it could've gone differently. 

Sirius placed one hand on the gate to open it and then gasped, pulling his hand away as if he’d been shocked. 

Notes, hundreds of them, burst into appearance tied to the gate and carved into the fence. They only appeared at his touch, probably a charm to keep curious Muggles from seeing them. Children’s toys sat in a pile just behind the gate, waiting on the path. They’d been rained on. The colorful fur of the stuffed animals wasn’t quite bright and new. Some of the ink on the notes had run. But there were so _ many. _ And they all brought the same message.

“Sirius, they’re…”

“They’re thanking him.  _ Them. _ ” Sirius said with a catch in his voice.

And they were. The little cottage had become a memorial. The wizarding world knew who had saved them. James and Lily's death wasn’t the anonymous, thankless sacrifice that Remus had convinced himself was the case. Their salvage mission all but forgotten, Sirius and Remus took the time to read every note, look at every photo. He wanted this etched into his memory, burned there like an acid engraving so that it would remain for all time. They didn't notice the sun moving on its course slowly across the sky as they read note after note. It took hours, there were so many. Time meant nothing compared to reading their names over and over again, reminders that James and Lily mattered to more people than just Sirius and himself.

All the emotions that Remus had been trying to stifle since Halloween came bubbling up to the surface with silent, shuddering tears. This was proof. James and Lily had not died in vain. They’d done it. They’d ended the war. Won it. The world knew and remembered them, celebrated them for it. 

The price was still too high.

It was almost too much to go into the cottage after that. Remus wiped his face, wincing slightly at the salt water tears that stung his still healing scars. Another reminder of what he’d lost.

“Ready?”

“Keep close to me.” Sirius said, taking his hand. 

“Always.”

The house was still. Quiet in the way that tombs are quiet. Remus caught himself holding his breath like everything would blow away on his exhale. It felt that fragile.

“Right, we just need the rest of Harry’s things, yes?” Remus said quietly, forcing his brain back on track as if this were any other mission. “And the… and the photo albums.”

“And the mirror.” 

“And the mirror, right. The cloak?”

“Dumbledore has the invisibility cloak. I’d asked to borrow it for a mission a few days before.. Well,  _ before _ , but Ja- but he didn’t have it with him.”

“Right. Okay. Let’s do this.”

They collected the things they’d come for solemnly, trying to shut the emotions of what they were doing out to keep some form of composure. Later Remus might wish that he could have sat with these feelings. That he could have lingered in the doorways. Taken in the exact texture of the couch that they used to pile together on, so small that Lily always ended up perched on the arm of the couch or else in James’ lap as they couldn’t all fit. He would’ve laughed at the scuffed paint on the wall from one of Sirius and James’ famed wrestling matches. Cried at the dried out potted plants that Lily had tended to so carefully. He could not do this now, though. The notes on the gate had taken everything he had. He wasn’t strong enough to be anything but numb now. That was alright. He was strong enough to keep moving, and that was what mattered.

When they left, the words on the notes echoed in Remus’ ears, above the roar of the motorcycle.

_ Thank you, Harry Potter. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will I take any given opportunity to repurpose the word "always" into something not creepy and give it the romance such a word deserves? Always.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for a brief mention of unhealthy drinking habits.

Harry Potter was blissfully unaware of the fact that he saved the wizarding world. As young as he was, he was in fact unaware of most things. These things included potty training and the importance of a regular bedtime. The bedtime was the matter of tonight’s temper tantrum. Though, temper tantrum was putting it lightly. It was a few weeks after Harry’s second birthday and Remus was beginning to understand why they were called the “terrible twos.”

“Merlin’s beard, what are we going to do when he’s a teenager?” Sirius said, sliding a hand down his face.

“Sirius, we’ve been at this for nearly a year now, I think we’ve just got to accept that it’s not working out.” Remus said seriously when Harry was finally asleep in his crib after an additional snack and three bedtime stories. They were hiding out in their bedroom, afraid to go anywhere else in the flat lest they wake the boy.

“What?” Sirius said, giving him a look as if he’d just been kicked while in his animagus form.

“This,” Remus gestured out to the living room where Harry lay sleeping. “It’s just not sustainable. Surely you’ve realized that by now? I’ve been thinking about it for a while, hoping you’d be the first to say something, but clearly it’s up to me. We’ve got to get a bigger place. The kid needs a bedroom. I know neither of us are working still, but I could pick up some odd jobs and if we sold this flat we might just be able to make it work financially.” 

“Son of a hippogriff! You scared me. I thought- it doesn’t matter- Gods, Remus. Learn how to phrase a sentence.” Sirius said, breathing heavily. 

“What did you think I…?” Remus went over what he’d said in his head, “Oh you dumb dog! Absolute idiotic mutt! No! You are quite stuck with me, I’m afraid. This flat, though… I think we’ve outgrown it. And I fear Harry is going to take over our room if we don’t find something bigger and you  _ know _ how I get when I have to sleep on the couch.”

“We could just shove him in the cupboard,” Sirius suggested.

“What kind of monster makes a child grow up in a cupboard? Besides, we both know how awful it is to be  _ closeted _ , I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.” 

“Come here you beautiful man,” Sirius said, laughing at the pun. “We’ll find us somewhere then. Somewhere bigger. Maybe it can even have a library for all your silly Muggle novels and those textbooks that you’re  _ still _ holding on to for some reason.” Sirius pulled Remus to bed with a relieved smile. “Besides, he shouldn’t grow up in London like I did. He should grow up somewhere he can play in dirt.”

“Dirt? Really? Is that a vital part of a childhood?” Remus asked, amused.

“Absolutely.”

***

That is how they ended up in Tinworth a few months later, proud owners of a little cottage of their own in a mixed Wizarding and Muggle village. It had enough of a wizard population to make Remus and Sirius feel comfortable, but enough Muggles that the statute of secrecy would be firmly in place to stop those wizards from making too big a deal over Harry. Frank and Alice Longbottom lived on the other end of the same town, too, along with their young son, Neville. Living close to two incredible aurors and fellow Order members added a feeling of security. There would be help nearby, if they ever needed it.

Their home was small and overgrown with ivy in a frankly alarming way that Remus absolutely loved. It had two bedrooms and no library, though there were plenty of bookshelves for Remus’ collection. Remus preferred the look of books scattered everywhere, anyway. The only place where books should be tidy and perfectly shelved and organized should be a library, he believed.  _ Maybe _ a bookstore, but that was pushing it. 

The ceiling in Harry’s room was once more charmed to have the dog star glowing brightly from its place in the night sky. A beautiful moon now joined it, permanently smiling down in its crescent form. They added two more stars that glowed the brightest side by side. For James and Lily, Sirius had explained unnecessarily. If Remus wished that there could have been more stars to represent loved ones still living, he did not say anything aloud.

The first Halloween as a trio passed as quickly as it could, with moving boxes filling their flat and a schedule made busy to make it hard to mourn. Remus pretended to not notice that Sirius spent most of it drunk. Ignored the taste of firewhiskey on his lips and his frequent trips to the kitchen. One of them had to make it through sober to keep an eye on Harry and it was his turn. Besides, Sirius had given him the space to quietly fall to pieces that first Christmas, right after their return from Godric’s Hollow. Remus owed him this private slip.

By the time winter settled its cold blanket across the land, their little family was properly moved into their cottage. It felt better here. Fresh and warm, without the heaviness of memories layered like dust in every corner. This was a place where they could try and start again. A place to live without the War. Remus sat on the rug by their hearth and obediently pretended to eat the play food that Harry brought him, course after course.

“Truly delicious, Harry. What is this?” He asked.

“Apple s’prise”

“What’s the surprise?” 

Harry ran off giggling and Remus shot Sirius an amused look. 

Smiles were coming more easily to them both now. The traumas of the previous year had followed them into 1982 in memory only. It hurt still. Oh, it hurt. The gaping ache in Remus’ chest still opened so widely sometimes that he was afraid he’d tumble in, head over heels, and never find his way back to the surface. But the times that it was becoming entirely overwhelming were spreading further and further apart. The bottle of firewhiskey that they bought after Halloween still held liquid and that was its own victory. They had to keep it together. Couldn’t fall apart for Harry’s sake.

That didn’t mean there weren’t still bad days.

He missed them. He missed Marlene’s loud sass and Dorcas’ calm energy and laser focus. He missed Lily’s advice, how she’d dance into a room and make anyone feel like they were important. That their presence wasn’t just wanted but was so, so  _ vital _ . He missed James. Merlin, did he miss James. It felt like he’d lost a brother last year. More than that, like he’d lost an entire limb. He missed who Sirius was around James. Their quick witted jibes and constant playfulness, the way they’d riff off each other in rapid fire jokes of scenarios so complicated that you’d think they would have rehearsed ahead of time but never did. He’d long since stopped saying it out loud, but he missed Peter, too. Peter had bound them together. He was a vital part of the Marauders and one of Remus’ best friends. Peter who, along with James and Sirius, had turned into an animagus illegally to help him when he needed it the most. Sweet Peter, who would surprise you with a stunningly elaborate prank idea that always had hilarious results. 

Remus wanted to find him. To see if he was alright. To ask why he did it.  _ Why  _ did he do it? How could he have betrayed them? Betrayed all of them? Did he regret it? Was he washed in the same stain of guilt that Remus felt, one so deep that it wouldn’t fade away no matter how hard you scrubbed? Remus felt it, and he hadn’t even  _ done _ anything to deserve it. On the other hand, not having done anything was probably why he felt guilty. He cursed himself again for not seeing the signs.

“Earth to Remus,” Sirius said from the couch, grabbing Remus’ shoulders and tugging him backwards so that he leaned back against the front of the couch, crowded in between Sirius’ legs. “Where did you go?” 

“Nowhere,” Remus said, punctuating the word with a chaste kiss to Sirius’ knee over his trousers. “I’m right here.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that.”

“I just. I miss them.”

“Oh, Rem,” Sirius ran his fingers through Remus’ hair, “me too. So much.”

Harry ran back into the room with a second serving of play food to be sampled with great and exaggerated glee. If the smile on Remus’ face looked forced, Sirius let him get away with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something a little bit musical next update.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update, as a treat.

One day, Remus came home and the sounds inside made him hesitate before opening the door. The fact that he could hear music was not unusual. Their old record player that followed them from when Sirius bought it during third year at Hogwarts was almost constantly playing. But  _ this _ wasn’t Bowie’s familiar voice calling out through the speakers. No drum beat or guitar accompanied it. No. This was softer. Gentler. He felt his heart flutter, break, and then reform undamaged with every note that sang from the sole piano. 

He opened the door carefully, as if afraid that breaking the seal to the house would let the magic of that music escape, and shut it just as softly. Not daring to waste time taking off his shoes, Remus tip toed gently across the floor. Somehow the creaky wooden floor did not betray him.

Sirius sat on a wooden piano bench, fingers dancing expertly across the keys. The upright piano, Remus was almost certain, had not been there when he’d left that morning. Harry shared the bench with Sirius and seemed transfixed by the music. The little boy reached up and plonked his chubby fingers across the keys at random intervals. Sirius bumped him playfully and seamlessly transitioned from the graceful classical piece he’d been playing to Chopsticks. He played overdramatically, much to Harry’s delight, if the peals of laughter were any standard to judge joy by. Sirius threw his own head back, dark hair falling in a cascade down his back as he laughed along with his godson.

“You play the piano,” Remus said breathily. Sirius turned and smiled at him, with only a small jump of surprise at his presence. 

“Very out of practice.”

“ _ That _ was out of practice? Unbelievable.” 

Sirius got off the bench and walked over to properly greet his partner, leaving Harry to bang at the keys. 

“Will he break it doing that?”

“If he does we’ll just get it fixed. Not a problem,” Sirius said with a shrug. 

“How did we come into a piano? And how did I never know you played?” 

“Well, what did you think these long fingers were good for?” Sirius asked with a wink that made Remus blush. “We went to town today, for a bit, and there was a free piano sign in someone’s window and I couldn’t make myself walk past. It was always more Reg’s thing than mine, but… well, no pureblood of my family’s standing was going to grow up without learning it.” 

_ Regulus. _ It had been three years now since Sirius’ little brother had died. They still didn’t know much about the circumstances, only saw the headlines in the papers. Remus was surprised to hear Sirius bring him up. The two brothers had a contentious relationship, to say the least. Sirius had always gotten the worst of their parents’ abuse. Quiet, obedient Regulus would have looked like an angel in comparison to his chaotic, Gryffindor brother. At least in their parents’ eyes. Still, Remus knew that Sirius loved his brother deeply. He’d been devastated to see the Dark Mark staining his pale arm, to know that there was no saving Regulus from their family’s influence. 

Years ago Sirius had admitted to Remus that he wasn’t just the “bad son” on accident. That he drew his parents’ focus on purpose, pulling them away from little Reg. He could take it, he’d sworn, Regulus could not. And take it Sirius did, for as long as he possibly could. He bore the pain until the curses became  _ unforgivable _ and he’d barely escaped to James’ house.

“Going to teach Harry how to play, then?” Remus asked, pulling himself out of his own thoughts.

“Only if he wants to,” Sirius said firmly. “I didn’t bring this home with any expectation of continuing the tradition. I didn’t even get it for Harry, I got it for me. Well, not even for me. It’s for  _ him _ . Regulus. And I just-” he started haltingly, “I just- I know, alright? I know he turned out as bad as the rest of them. I  _ know _ he was a Death Eater and as cruel and ruthless as any of the others. He was a  _ proper Black _ . I hated him for it. I still hate him for it. He was an utter bastard and there is no forgiving that. But I just… I can’t rationalize that with the little boy who’d sneak downstairs to play the piano.”

Sirius paused, watching Harry who was still poking away at the keys, giggling at the sounds they made. From behind, his black hair made him look like he could have been Sirius’ son. Like he could have been a younger brother, were it not for the coarser texture of Harry’s hair and the darker tone of his skin.

“I learned silencing charms for him, you know. For Reg. Did them while underage in the summers and winters that I came home. Even when things got tense between us I’d sneak downstairs and muffle the piano, give him the nod that it was safe to play, that Walburga and Orion wouldn’t hear him and yell for waking them. It’s just nice, I guess. It’s nice to have something to remind me of the best of him. Makes me feel guilty, though. He doesn’t deserve it.” 

“I think,” Remus said generously, “That families are hard and yours was harder than most. Play your piano, remember what you loved about him. That’s alright.” 

Sirius nodded sharply and Remus knew that it was time to let the conversation drop. The piano did not become a regular part of their daily routine. Mostly it just sat up against the wall, serving as an extra shelf for Remus’ books, fallboard closed over the keys like the lid of a casket. 

Sometimes, though, Remus would wake in the night to find the other half of the bed empty. He would quietly tip toe just far enough down the stairs to peer through the bannister into the silent living room. Those nights, more often than not, he’d find Sirius swaying from his seat on the piano bench, body moving in tune with the dance of his fingers across the music. The notes never reached Remus’ ears, muted as they were by a silencing charm. That was okay. The music was not for him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something much lighter and fluffier is coming on Wednesday!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of fluff to hurry up the arrival of Spring. Thank you so much for every comment and kudos. They’re unbelievably motivating.

It was late spring in 1983 and Sirius checked his watch with a frown.

“I think,” Sirius said, “That it’s time.”

“This is a bad idea. A truly terrible idea. This is the worst idea! Why did we volunteer for this?”

“It was, I believe,  _ your _ idea, Moony. No going back now.” 

Remus steeled himself and gulped before stepping into the floo. There was no point avoiding it any longer. 

The chaos at The Burrow was immediate, as always, but there was a tinge of extra excitement in the air as well, adding to the mayhem. Molly ran about the house counting children and tidying up her outfit. Arthur was trying not to trip over the twins, who it seemed were doing their best impression of human bowling balls as they raced about. As loud as it was in the house, no one even seemed to notice Remus’ arrival until Sirius followed behind him with Harry, fussing from the floo, in tow. 

“Boys!” Molly greeted happily, swooping over to Remus to kiss him wetly on each cheek. “Thank you so much, are you sure you can handle it?”

“Anytime, Molly,” Sirius promised, “I’m sorry we didn’t offer to babysit a long time ago. You and Arthur deserve a day on the town. Besides, it’s such a nice day and I brought my broom, figured we could play a spot of quidditch since you’ve got yourself a whole team here, eh?” Sirius winked at a crowd of cheering children.

Arthur passed a giggling baby Ginny to Remus. His heart twisted a bit as he nestled her comfortably into his arms. She was about the same age now as Harry was when he first moved into their lives. He was surprised at how natural it felt to hold her, what a change it was from only a year and a half ago. His life was so different now. Harry was already so much bigger. He could properly walk now. More than that, he could run, climb stairs, open cabinets, and get into all sorts of mischief. Time passed quickly.

“Right, well we’ll just be shopping in Diagon Alley. If you need anything send a message through the floo at the Leaky Cauldron and I’m sure Tom will get it to us,” Arthur said. “But maybe try not to need anything,” he added with a smile. 

“Take your time, we’ll be just fine here.”

“Charlie! You’re the oldest with Bill at school, help them out,” Molly said, “Ginny will need a nap at some point but she can really fall asleep anywhere. There’s sandwiches for lunch ready in the fridge. Try to keep the twins from blowing anything up, their magic is coming in strong right now and they’re taking proper advantage of it.”

“Really, as long as most of them are still here when we get back, you’ll have done a great job. We made a few extras,” Arthur joked.

It was hard not to feel overwhelmed when Molly and Arthur disappeared into the floo. Harry, who was running after Ron, was so startled by the floo’s green flash that he fell on his bum, though he righted himself quickly enough. 

“I think we’ve been tricked,” Remus said to Sirius.

“Come on, it will be fun!”

An hour and a half later, everyone was on broomsticks in the big field behind the house. The Weasleys had a crude set of Quidditch hoops set up and Sirius was in his element. He’d never been on the team at Hogwarts, was too busy in detention or planning pranks to ever make a proper practice schedule, but Sirius loved a casual match. Memories of James and Sirius practicing quidditch at James’ parents’ house in the summer flooded his mind. Remus never got into it at all himself. The fear of heights was one determining factor, but he couldn't be a reliable player, either. Matches were not organized around a lunar cycle. Besides, even as a child his joints had ached too much for that much exercise.

Remus was glad to act as referee from the ground. He’d become very good at strategy. 

“Right, Ginny, you’re going to have to help me make the calls.”

He got a special thrill from watching Harry scoot along on his little broom. It was a child’s broom, charmed to not flip and only hover a few feet above the ground, and it was absolutely adorable to watch. The kid was a natural on it, already pushing the broom to its limits as he raced Ron about the pitch. James would have been so proud. James’ old Nimbus sat in a closet back home, one of the few things they’d taken from Godric’s Hollow. In a couple of years Harry would probably be able manage it. 

“Hey, Moony! Moony, watch this!” Sirius said and tilted dramatically and quickly on his broom to pull it into a backflip. 

Remus laughed and then groaned when Charlie immediately tried to copy him. To his credit, the kid pulled off the backflip fairly gracefully and managed to right the broom before hitting the ground.

“Check this out!” Fred, or at least Remus was pretty sure it was Fred, said. The boy stood on his broom and grabbed onto (probably) George’s broom, who flew directly above him, for balance. 

“Very cool,” Remus agreed, “let’s be careful, though.”

“Isn’t that against the rules?” Percy asked, looking very concerned.

“Ehrm, probably. It’s just a warm up, though. What can you do on your broom? Give me a show.”

Percy seemed delighted at the request and instead began explaining to Remus, in great detail, the intricacies behind playing keeper. There was a lot more technique and planning behind the position than Remus had thought. It was not, he had been solemnly assured, merely about stopping the quaffle. Remus listened carefully, taking the time to react appropriately in all the right places. It seemed he’d made a friend. He closed the lid tightly on a memory of a young boy with sandy blonde hair who also played keeper in backyard matches. Peter didn’t need to squeak his way into this happy day. 

The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully. The pack of red-headed children felt much more manageable when they were outside where the air could spread out their happy yells. The injury count from the quidditch match topped out at two scraped knees, a slightly bruised ankle, and one very dramatically bumped “funny bone” in Percy’s elbow. It was a rather low total of damages considering how enthusiastically the boys had been playing. Sirius felt the game was an absolute success and Remus was inclined to agree.

By the time Arthur and Molly returned that evening, everyone was utterly exhausted. It wasn’t just baby Ginny who needed a nap. Remus wanted one, too. It was a good kind of tired, though. A healthy tired. A tired that made him smile easily. It was the kind of tired that made him very agreeable.

This was probably how Sirius convinced him that sharing a broom back to Tinworth was a better idea than the much quicker floo trip. 

They flew low over the countryside, Harry tucked in between his guardians. It was low enough so as not to trigger Remus’ fear of flying, though he was honestly too sleepy for that to matter at this point. His toes could have brushed the tall grasses and grains if he stretched. He focused on not nodding off and enjoying the sunset as they flew home. Harry pointed things out to them as they passed, babbling a mile a minute about the day’s events. The little yawns that interrupted Harry’s speech barely slowed him down.

By the time they arrived home, Remus imagined that they cut a beautiful silhouette against the sky’s colorful display. A little family sharing a broomstick. Here, there was happiness. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning for mention of the death of a child.

Late that summer they saw a rat in the garden. A simple, ugly, little, brown thing covered in fur besides its naked tail. Remus had never been afraid of rodents. He was a scarier monster than anything that could scurry about. Still, the sight of the rat sent his heart plunging straight into his shoes. 

“Come here, Harry.” He urged and was impressed with how even his voice sounded. “Let’s go inside and get a snack. I think we’ve got some more of those cauldron cakes leftover from after dinner last night.”

Harry ran into the house ahead of them, leaving the door open behind him. There was dirt under his nails and grass stains on the knees of his trousers, just as Sirius had hoped for a year ago.

“Did you see?” Sirius asked quickly.

“I didn’t get a good look. It may have just been a garden rat. I’m sure it was just a garden rat.” 

“I don’t like it.” 

Remus didn’t like it either. They followed Harry quickly inside and if Remus saw Sirius checking that all the windows and doors were latched properly he didn’t say anything.

***

“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius said later that night when Harry was tucked away in bed and he and Remus were relaxing in the living room.

“Dangerous thing, that.”

“Hmm,” Sirius agreed mirthlessly. 

The fact that Sirius quietly accepted the teasing barb without a retort was enough to make Remus set his book down. He dogeared the page in a way that would have made Lily gasp and smack him on the shoulder, but he always found it convenient. He realized, after hesitating a moment before turning to face Sirius, that he still was waiting for Lily to do so. It was little things like this that surprised him. The little shock of pain, like he’d built up too much static on a cold winter’s day and unexpectedly touched metal, caught him off guard. 

“She’d have hated that.” Sirius remarked dryly. As was often the case, his thoughts were running parallel to Remus’. He fiddled with the hem of his trousers, an old childhood habit that Sirius only turned to when very distracted by some thought.

“Hmm,” Remus repeated, “What’s on your mind?”

Sirius sat cross legged on the couch beside Remus, who had now turned fully to face him. His lanky body crossed over itself in a way so opposed to his normal sprawl that it gave Remus pause. This was going to be a heavy conversation. 

“Do you remember July,  _ that _ year?” Sirius asked as if Remus could ever forget anything about 1981 if he’d tried. An obliviate spell probably wouldn’t even be powerful enough to wipe it from his nightmares. “So much went wrong. The Prewitts, the McKinnons, then Benjy Fenwick a few weeks later, Dorcas a bit after that. So much went wrong so quickly, it was like the Death Eaters knew what we’d be doing before we did. No one should’ve known that Marlene was going to be at her parents’ house that night. That little Danny was not going to be at his friends’ house after all. We only just overheard Dorcas talking to Marlene about it a few hours before Marls left.”

Remus felt ice crystallize in his stomach and climb through his veins. He remembered that conversation. It was so quick, so casual. He wished it had lasted a little longer, that he’d hugged Marlene before she’d left. Had he said ‘I love you’ to her when she’d walked out the door that night? They’d all been doing that more, the darker things got. Surely he’d told her he loved her. Surely she knew it.

That had been the last time he heard Marlene speak. 

“Dorcas told her to save her a plate of her mum’s leftovers and that she’d see her in the morning and offered some message to Danny about quidditch and Ravenclaw’s team,” Sirius continued, “And then Dorcas left to get ready for a mission with Wormtail.” Remus flinched visibly, beginning to see where Sirius was going with this. Sirius’ voice was ragged at the edges. “The only people who were close enough to hear were you, me, and Wormtail. Do you think…. Remus, did he kill Marls, too?”

Remus did not respond at first. He was stunned into total silence, eyes flitting back and forth rapidly as he puzzled it out. 

“He wouldn’t have,” Remus said, words coming out far too quickly so that they clipped into each other, “Danny was only was twelve-”

“Harry wasn’t even two.”

Remus exhaled in one big gust as the air was knocked out of his lungs at that flat statement.

It had been odd, that the Death Eaters had attacked the McKinnon household that night. It was like they’d known exactly how many people would be there. It’s like they’d known that it would just be Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon, who ran a little apothecary and were not at all in fighting shape, a twelve year old boy, and Marlene. Marlene was a very able fighter, but to take on an entire Death Eater attack alone? On one of the few nights that Dorcas wasn’t with her? The odds were not good. Someone had tipped the Death Eaters off.

Remus didn’t want to believe it. Didn’t want to accept that Peter could be responsible for the deaths of even more of their friends. But he  _ had _ given up James and Lily. Compared to betraying the Marauders, ratting out Marlene and her family would have been a perfect little test run. 

“The bastard,” Remus said firmly, “The utter  _ bastard _ how could he? And to be out with Dorcas the whole time when he knew what was happening?”

“I’ll kill him,” Sirius promised, “If I catch that rat, I will kill him.” 

The flat determination in Sirius’ grey eyes chilled Remus.

“We’ll put up some more defensive charms tonight and go buy mouse traps in the morning. Cover our bases either way. I’ll send an owl to the Longbottoms and see if they’ll take a look at our defenses. He won’t get us, Sirius. The others trusted him, they weren’t expecting anything. We know better now.”

Remus hoped with everything he had that it had just been a run of the mill rat. It must have been. Their muggle neighbors had a vegetable garden, surely that was bound to attract a rodent or two every once in a while. It was only to be expected.

Somewhere, hidden deep within a gutter, a rat’s heart beat quickly at having been spotted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may currently be in the process of writing a long Marlene/Dorcas fic set during the First War with Voldemort.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning for drinking as unhealthy coping

The second Halloween was harder than the first. Much like how a werewolf’s second transformation was more devastating, things hurt more when you anticipated them. They hurt more when you pretended they weren’t happening, as if you had a choice over the forward progression of time. When you resisted the reality of a world that screamed its presence ceaselessly into your ear. They were certainly dragging their heels and resisting the tidal pull of linear time now. All October Remus felt himself be on edge. The month started with a dramatic full moon. Padfoot had to tackle him to keep him within their protective boundary. Sirius now had scars of his own tracing down his torso from their struggle. Scratch marks, luckily. Even maddened by the moon, the wolf knew better than to deliver  _ the bite _ to his dog friend. His packmate. The only one, now. 

Still, he felt guilt. He could not look at a shirtless Sirius without wincing. The guilt was its own wolf that chewed on the very marrow of his bones. It reminded him that there was a reason his kind didn’t breed, didn’t form lasting relationships with non-werewolves. He was too weak to do anything about it, though. Too selfish to make leaving more than a passing thought. Remus loved his life with Sirius. With Harry. He reminded himself that these dark feelings would pass, as they always did. He just had to remember to breathe and keep moving forward.

The feelings would pass, of course, but the scars would stay. 

Apparently he’d tried to  _ hunt _ during the moon. The idea that he could have been stalking something, _ someone _ , chilled him to his core. Deep inside himself he knew the terrible truth of it, though. It was a truth bad enough that he preferred to let Sirius think that he’d been frenzied with bloodlust rather than admit it aloud. The wolf had been searching for the rest of his pack. For the stag and the rat that had been gone for so long. He missed them terribly. For just a moment that night, as his thoughts muddled with that of the wolf, he even thought he’d caught a familiar scent. Yes, this second anniversary was going to be hard.

“Maybe we should do something this time. For them. I don’t think fighting it is the best plan.” Remus said one night after he and Sirius got into a rather heated argument over a pile of dirty dishes that was absolutely not  _ about _ the pile of dirty dishes. “This isn’t sustainable.”

He wasn’t yet about to reveal that he’d found their fire whiskey bottle empty. Or that he knew it was a replacement bottle bought only a few days ago. That he’d noticed the wine in the cupboard was gone. Admitting that would mean admitting he’d been seeking it out for himself. A confrontation would mean making an effort for change on his own part, and he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. Besides, Sirius wasn’t bringing up the fact that Remus was sneaking a cigarette at every opportunity. He must smell it on him, as much as Remus tried to shake off the smoke before coming inside. No, it was best not to bring it up. Not yet. Let them have their little indiscretions. 

“Like what?” Sirius snapped, “tell fairy tales about how happy we all used to be?”

Remus ignored the jab as best he could. He tried to remember his own temper, that he himself would get snappy when in pain. Sirius was certainly in pain now, they both were. A mental anguish was just as real as the physical. Still, it made him feel like he was failing. Like Sirius not being happy at this moment meant that he wasn’t happy with  _ him _ , like he wasn’t satisfied with their relationship. He was too tired for this. 

“Right. I’m going on a walk.”

“Don’t forget your lighter,” Sirius offered bitingly to his retreating figure.

“Stay sober ‘til I get back. Harry might need something.”

He pretended not to notice how Sirius flinched. Perhaps a confrontation was coming sooner than he’d thought.

***

That was how they found themselves opening the photo album a few days later on the morning of the thirty-first. It was time to create a new Halloween tradition. Something had to change. The tension was as tight as the wires inside Sirius’ precious piano. It had to be loosened, lest it snap. They needed to be brought back into tune. 

“C’mere, Harry.” Sirius called, patting his lap for the boy to join them at the little table in the kitchen. “Come check out this photo of your da’.”

Harry ran over from where he was playing with the little stuffed dog after breakfast. He clambered onto Sirius’ lap eagerly with just a little help. Remus felt a little spark of pride. Everything else might be crumbling at the moment, but they’d been doing well by Harry. James and Lily’s son was well fed and clothed and seemed happy. That’s what mattered, above all else. 

It was a photo of James after a quidditch match. He was sweaty and mud-spattered, still in his red and gold uniform. The photo version of James marched about the frame in victory, ruffling his hands through his hair uselessly to try and fix it. He beamed at the camera.

“Your mum took this photo. I think they’d just started dating at the time. Your dad scored a ton of points in the match, basically winning it on his own. He dedicated the win to her, it was all very romantic.” Remus found that telling these stories eased the knot in his stomach. 

“Was dad a chaser?” Harry asked, staring at the photos.

“He was!” Sirius confirmed, “the very best chaser Gryffindor has ever seen.” 

“I’m going to be a chaser, too.” Harry said with a solemnity that made Remus laugh despite himself.

“Of course you are! And Gryffindor will be lucky to have you.” Sirius said.

“Or any house,” Remus added.

“But especially Gryffindor.”

“Here, Harry, look at this one. It’s your mum and dad’s wedding. Isn’t she beautiful in that dress?” Remus said, flipping the album to the next page.

And it was true. Lily was stunning in it, hair in a loose cascade of red curls against the white gown, caught in mid twirl like some sort of advert for youth and beauty. But the part of the photo that truly took his breath away was a couple in dress robes in the background. They stared at each other with undisguised love in their eyes. It made his heart ache with the thought of it. Things had been so simple then. The way forward seemed so clear. So easy. His eyes met Sirius’ from across the table, and he knew that Sirius had seen the same thing he did. They had been so carefree at James’ wedding. So utterly full of joy and in love with the very idea of love. It was a good reminder now, four years after that wedding. Seven years after they’d admitted their feelings for each other. Thirteen years after they met on the Hogwarts Express. He loved this man after all this time. He would continue to love this man for as long as he had any choice in it, and then likely for an eternity after. Had he said so out loud enough recently? The distance between them seemed vast, though they were just across the table from each other. He took Sirius’ hand from where it gripped the photo album and squeezed it. Silently promised his partner that he would remember that. He promised himself. Sirius left their hands intertwined and held tight. 

That night, after Harry had gone to bed and Sirius and Remus had retired for the evening, Remus cast a silencing charm on their room. He kissed Sirius slowly, deeply, putting every ounce of love he could muster into the brush of his lips. The feel of his hands tugging on Sirius’ long hair. His fingertips spelled out apologies against his nape. He tried to convey exactly how important Sirius was as his lips trailed down the other man’s neck. He bit down on the sensitive spot where his neck met his shoulder and showed how vital Sirius was to him with his teeth and tongue.  _ Message received _ , he thought when Sirius moaned deep and low and responded in kind.

Tonight they would celebrate being alive. Tomorrow they could reconcile their fight. Remus would apologize and Sirius would do the same. They’d dump out the rest of the firewhiskey and flush the cigarettes. They’d forgive the harsh words, the lonely distance that had crept between them. Tomorrow they’d promise to be better. Tonight they would simply  _ be. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be so much lighter, dear readers


	13. Chapter 13

Remus’ favorite nights were nights like these. They were simple nights, completely unextraordinary in any way. That was what made them so special. Flurries of snow drifted in soft gusts past the window, glimmering in the warm glow that poured out from inside their cottage. The moon was too thin to offer itself as a light source. The gentle snow would turn to sleet soon enough. It always did. But for now it was as light as Remus’ heart.

It was December again. The deep sadness of Halloween retreated back to a familiar ache. It was present, but not all-consuming. He could breathe through it. 

Remus sat on the couch, warm and comfortable in stockinged feet. The smell of hot chocolate wafted in from the kitchen, rich and sweet, to tickle his nose. He leaned sideways to press a gentle kiss to the top of Harry’s head. The boy was tucked in against his side, waiting for him to continue reading the picture book. His hair was messy from a long and rambunctious day, though when did it ever sit flat? He breathed in the soft hair deeply. He’d never understood it before, why parents smelled the heads of their children. But there was a certain something to it, he’d since learned. It calmed him and invigorated him in a way that should have cancelled the other out but instead just made sense.

“Uncle Moony, are you sniffing me?” Harry asked with a wrinkled nose.

“I thought I smelled chocolate,” Remus teased with an overly serious expression, “Are you hiding any in this hair of yours?” 

Harry giggled sharp peals of laughter as Remus tossed the book to the side and tickled him. 

“Did someone say chocolate?” Sirius walked into the room, following after three floating mugs of hot chocolate that he set on the coffee table with a flick of his wand.

“Pafu! Moony is gonna eat me!” Harry squealed and ran to pull at Sirius’ trouser leg, “I’m not chocolate!” 

“Well, we can’t have that, now can we?” Sirius said and kneeled down to whisper conspiratorially in Harry’s ear. Remus couldn’t hear another word until Sirius shouted, “NOW!”

The pair leapt on Remus, knocking him flat on the couch and tickling him. Remus laughed and controlled his movements as best he could so he wouldn’t knock Harry down. The boy’s laughter was like bells or maybe the chirps of a flock of sparrows. A happy, beautiful, squealing sound. So vibrant. So  _ alive.  _ Remus wished he could bottle it. He couldn’t help but to laugh along.

“Alright, I think your Moony has had enough.” Sirius said after a short time, pulling a very wiggly Harry off of Remus and tossing him playfully but gently to the other side of the couch, “I think this was the source of the chocolate he smelled, anyway. Drink up before it gets cold, Harry.”

Harry sat back on the couch and reached out his hands, making grabby fingers for his little mug. He knew the drill well enough by now. Sirius and Remus had learned the hard way that it was best for Harry to already be sitting before they handed him an open cup rather than expect him to climb on the couch with it. Magic, fortunately, could get stains out of just about anything. Sirius passed the boy his bright cup, hot chocolate cooled just enough to not burn a sensitive mouth, and pinched Remus one last time for good measure with an indulgent smirk. It made his heart flutter. 

“What’s the story for tonight, Rem?” Sirius asked and handed Remus both a mug of hot chocolate and the book that he’d thrown aside earlier. 

“A return to the classics, I think. Let’s see how Babbity Rabbity is getting on.”

“And her cackling stump?” Sirius confirmed.

“Just the one!”

They took a moment to get adjusted into their familiar story time positions. Remus took a long sip of the hot chocolate with no marshmallows and extra whipped cream, made precisely how he preferred it, and recognized just how lucky he was. 

Sitting here now was a lullaby. Something to soothe in the dark while shushing quiet whispers of dangers concealed. It was something to relax into, to ignore the nagging worries of futures and pasts. There was comfort in the richness of the melody of this life. A comfort that sometimes felt impossible to grasp, slipping through his fingers like the words of a long forgotten song. He longed to pause time. To sit in this moment forever. In the warm weight of Sirius’ head on his lap. The feeling of Harry, curled in at his other side. The little boy’s clever green eyes flit across the page, hungrily taking in the shape of every word, every picture. Soon Harry would be sounding out the words on the page along with him, and then reading on his own. Would he still want bedtime stories in a few years?

This domesticity was not a life he’d ever imagined for himself. He was never supposed to survive the transformations of his childhood. Most werewolves bitten at such a young age did not last through the violence of adolescence. He had his friends to thank for that. Sirius to thank. Their choice to become animagi saved him from the worst of it. Then, after Hogwarts, he was certain he would not survive the war. So many people didn’t. It seemed he probably had Sirius to thank for his life yet again. He had pulled Remus through the war. And here they were now, reading picture books together, child clutching at his jumper, a warm fire burning in the hearth. Selfishly, he couldn’t wish for anything different.

“A long time ago, in a far off land, there lived a foolish king…” He read.

***

Some time later, an aching crick in his neck woke Remus. He was still on the couch with Sirius lightly snoring from his twisted position and Harry drooling slightly against his side. A sudden all consuming need to document this unassuming moment motivated him. He summoned the camera, contorted his body to get them all in frame, and awkwardly snapped a photograph. The picture printed from the back of the camera and he shook it softly, waiting for it to develop. 

Three figures and a battered, old couch faded into the photo. His own face was half out of view and the photo version of himself leaned oddly into and out of frame, smiling crookedly. It was such an awkward dance of being included but not blocking the rest of them. Of taking up the appropriate amount of space. Sirius looked distinctly undignified, mouth agape, and, if Remus looked closely, he could see a bit of a snot bubble forming in photo Harry’s nose. It quivered with every breath. He thought it might pop.  _ Gross.  _

In short, the photo was perfect. He wouldn’t change a thing about it. He carefully placed the camera and photograph on the coffee table and settled in more comfortably between his boys. He tugged the throw blanket from the back of the couch so that it covered Harry’s little body and ran his fingers through Sirius’ long hair, gently scratching at his scalp in a way that made him smile and cuddle closer, even in sleep. Soon enough he’d wake Sirius and carry Harry to his little bed. But for now all he wanted to do was enjoy the crackling fire and the comfort of his family. 

He would tuck the photo away between the pages of one of his books, somewhere Sirius or Harry wouldn’t stumble across it. This was for him. A reminder for when his thoughts inevitably darkened and the pull of the moon seemed too strong. A reminder that there were happy days in his past, present and future. Something to reorient his gravity away from that damned space rock and back here. Back home. Back to  _ them.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something fluffier as an apology for the angst of the last couple of chapters.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: One paragraph reflecting on werewolf scars that could potentially be upsetting shortly after the first break. The paragraph is easily skippable.

The summer air was warm inside the cottage and a light breeze fluttered the leaves of the herb garden on the windowsill above the kitchen sink. 

“Come on, Harry! We’ve got to get going!” Remus called from the kitchen where he was packing sandwiches and a cake into a picnic basket. He shook eight candles out of a pack -four for Harry and four for Neville- and tucked them in as well as his zippo, which had been rather unused as of late. “Neville will be here soon and the Weasley boys are meeting us at the beach.”

“Have you seen my watch?” Sirius asked, sticking his head in from the sitting room. 

“I swear you’d lose your head if it weren’t attached,” Remus said with a fond smile that stood in contrast to his teasingly tired tone. “Did you check your nightstand?” 

“And yours and under the bed. I’m not entirely useless, you know,” Sirius snipped back, fully entering the room now. But there was no malice in his voice and Remus chuckled disbelievingly. 

“You are a wizard, you know,” Remus mimicked him with a roll of his eyes, “ Or have you forgotten? Accio Sirius’ watch.”

The gold watch came flying in through the open kitchen window after a few seconds.

“Teach your kid about not taking things that aren’t his and especially about not leaving them in the garden.” Sirius snatched the watch out of midair.

“Oh, he’s  _ my  _ kid now?” Remus asked, amused.

“Only when he’s causing mischief.” 

“You’d think that was the other way around.”

“I’m hurt! You wound me, Remus!” Sirius clutched his chest dramatically, “I am the very picture of poise and etiquette. I’ve never broken a rule in my life, on my honor as a Black. Besides, let’s not pretend like you didn’t come up with half the pranks at school.”

“Alright, Oh Most Honorable and Noble Sirius Orion Black. Will you ever forgive the offense?” 

“I’ll consider it. There may be consequences,” Sirius said with mock solemnity. His eyes glittered with mirth, betraying his otherwise serious expression and he leaned up to kiss Remus sweetly. Remus could only chuckle and smile with a light shake of his head before returning the kiss. When Sirius Black was in a good mood the whole world felt brighter. He glowed like the star he was named for. The brightest object in Remus’ sky. 

A cheery knock on the door set the world back in motion.

“Round up the kid,” Remus said, closing the lid of the picnic basket and going to open the door. Frank and Alice Longbottom stood on the stoop with little Neville who sported a large dollop of sunscreen on his nose. 

“Come on in! We’re still getting everything together, but we’re almost set.” Remus welcomed. “I always forget how much there is to remember now to just go on a day’s outing.”

“I know what you mean,” Alice reminisced, “Remember when it was possible to just go out somewhere with just the clothes on your back and be gone all day?” 

“You do that everyday, Alice. You’re a bloody auror,” Frank said with a snort.

“I meant for fun!” She jibed back. 

“Found the birthday boy!” Sirius walked into the room with dramatic steps, holding a giggling Harry upside down by the ankles. “I think he looks a bit different, what do you think, Moony?”

“There’s definitely something.”

“I’m upside down!” Harry squealed.

“Has your hair grown, Harry?” Frank asked.

“No, I think he just looks older.” Alice added. “Are you sure he’s just four? I think he must be fourteen! Look how tall!”

“I’m upside down!” Harry repeated. 

“He’s upside down!” Neville repeated dramatically.

“What’s that? Oh! Remus, I think Harry is upside down!” Sirius said in mock surprise. “What should we do about it?”

“What if I just….” Remus bent down and grabbed Harry’s hands, pulling him upwards and into the air as Sirius dropped his feet. Harry squealed in joy at the flip. “There we are! How’d you do that, Harry?”

“Do it again!”

“Maybe when we get down to the beach, alright?” 

The two boys climbed into the little red wagon that the Longbottoms brought and Frank tugged it along behind him and the group headed down to the beach. 

***

Remus laid out towels on the sand and Frank and Alice set up umbrellas with the help of a little magic. It was fairly early in the afternoon yet and no muggles were on the beach. Sirius was running up and down the coastline with the boys. He claimed that he just wanted to tire them out, but Remus knew that he was having just as much fun as they were. Sirius yanked his shirt over his head, sweating in the summer sun, and threw it in Remus’ general direction.

A confusing combination of emotions swirled rapidly in Remus’ gut at Sirius' shirtless form. There was guilt, pure and unclean at the scars that traced across Sirius’ chest from last October’s moon when the wolf had gotten out of control. Shame at wondering if the Longbottoms would notice. If they’d know. The marks had silvered out now, not the angry raised things they’d been nine months ago. They weren’t deep. Padfoot had leapt out of the way almost quickly enough when he realized the danger he was in. The danger Remus put him in. Remus kept his own shirt and trousers firmly on, embarrassed by the latticework of damage that traced across his own skin. He did permit himself the luxury of taking off his shoes to bury his toes in the warm sand. Of cuffing his trousers just one or two folds and rolling his sleeves up to free his forearms below the elbow. 

Sirius had no such shame. He never had shame. Not about things like that. When it happened last October Remus had nearly offered to leave, overcome by the guilt of it. He had hurt Sirius. Physically hurt him. Sirius had sat him down and asked if he would do the same thing when it wasn’t the full moon.  _ Never, _ Remus swore,  _ I’d never hurt you. _ That was enough. Sirius shook it off, said he knew this might happen at thirteen when he’d started the process of becoming an animagus, said they would blend in easily enough with the scars of the war, that it was an excuse to add more tattoos to his collection. He’d said there was nothing to forgive. But still, Remus knew. 

The sound of many feet running across the sand pulled him from his thoughts and back to the present. He greeted Arthur Weasley by raising up a bottle of butterbeer as an offering. The boys, just Ron, Fred, and George, with Percy following a bit more slowly behind, ran off to join Neville and Harry who were now concentrating on burying Sirius in an elaborate sand castle. 

“Molly wanted a quieter day at home with Ginny. Bill and Charlie have decided that thirteen and eleven is far too old to go to a four year old’s birthday and have chosen to stay put, too.” Arthur said as means of explanation, setting out a beach chair. “Remus, your mother was a muggle, yes?”

“Yes,” Remus said, drawing out the word cautiously. That was a concerning way to start a conversation just three years after the War, though he trusted Arthur.

“Can you explain to me the purpose of this?” Arthur brought forward an inflatable duck floaty, still in its box. Remus could only laugh. In the warm glint of the sun with friends, cold butterbeer, and good food waiting in a picnic basket, nothing could seem so bad. 

Still. He imagined a red haired girl hiding from the sun in the shade of an umbrella. A dark haired boy with glasses helping the kids build their castle on top of Sirius. Even, with guilt tinging the thought, a boy with sandy blonde hair sneaking snacks and keeping Remus company. The boy with stars in his eyes and home in his arms was still here. He reminded himself this, as he would over and over when the memories hurt.

But James and Lily should have been there. James should have wiped chocolate frosting off of Harry’s face after he ate his birthday cake a little too enthusiastically, as Remus did. Lily should have gone searching for shells with Harry, as Sirius did. 

“Alright, Rem?” Sirius asked quietly when Arthur and Frank were occupying the kids by throwing a ball back and forth, over their heads so that they’d have to leap for it in a game of Niffler in the Middle. 

“Sit with me for a bit?”

Sirius sat down on the beach towel behind him and wrapped his arms around Remus, resting his chin on his shoulder. Remus felt something in his body loosen and the world slid back into place. Yes, the boy with home in his arms was still there. 

***

They walked home that evening with Sirius carrying a sleeping Harry. The boy was getting too big already for Remus to carry him more than a short distance without it irritating his bad hip, and their house was about a mile from the beach. This had been a good idea, a joint party for Neville and Harry. Next year they should celebrate on the beach again. Remus realized belatedly that he’d once again started measuring time in birthdays rather than deaths.

A car drove past, tires crunching pleasantly along the cobblestone road. Sirius tensed. It was just a moment, a quick tightening of muscles and widening of eyes. The third time it happened, Remus decided to ask about it.

“It’s silly,” Sirius said, readjusting his grip on the soundly sleeping Harry. The boy was truly tuckered out from a day running in the sand and ocean spray. 

“Tell me anyway.”

“It’s something about the brake lights,” Sirius admitted slowly. “The red flash of them when the car goes by. When I’m not expecting it, it just catches me off guard.” 

They walked silently for a while longer. Remus could tell that Sirius wasn’t done speaking, that he was mulling over his thoughts. He would give him time to say whatever was going on. They had time. 

“It throws me back to the war,” Sirius said quietly. A confession. “In the corner of my eye it's a stunning spell. Red and sudden. Makes me freeze for a moment on instinct, I suppose.”

Remus nodded slowly but immediately. He understood exactly what Sirius meant. 

“I still take confusing routes home. Avoid the thin alleys, even in this sleepy little town. If someone is walking behind me on the streets and they get to that point that they’re walking quicker and they’ll pass me it just… I have to remember not to hex these poor muggles.” 

“We’re a hell of a pair, aren’t we?” Sirius said with a wry laugh that invited Remus to join in.

“I have no idea what you mean. Us? Traumatized? Never.” 

The street lights lit the cobblestone streets with a soft glow. A warm, salty, summer breeze ran its gentle fingers through Remus’ hair. Sirius sighed deeply.

“Harry flinches at the floo. Have you noticed? The green flash.”

“Fuck,” Remus said simply. 

“Fuck,” Sirius agreed, “Do you think he remembers anything? From that night?”

“I hope not, he was very young.” Sirius nodded his head and they kept walking. Remus continued speaking after a while, “I was bit when I was four, you know. I was a few years older than Harry, but the memory is hazy. I can’t completely recall it, can’t remember the details. I mainly remember how everything changed after it. The fear, the pain, the feeling that I’d done something wrong. Feeling like the whole thing was this big secret that I couldn’t share.”

“We’ll make sure he knows he can talk to us about it. About anything.” 

“I think that’s all we can do. Just be here. For him. For each other.”

“I’m scared of October,” Sirius admitted, “We’ve worked so hard to get to this place again. There are moments sometimes where I can almost forget the war happened, despite everything. I’m afraid I’m going to bugger it all up again.”

Remus breathed deeply. They didn’t talk like this. Didn’t lay so many emotions out all at once. It made him feel bare and raw, naked on the village streets. 

“I am, too,” He said quietly, “And if we do we’ll fix it again. We always fix it again.”

They made it to their cottage and the door acted as a natural stopping point. They closed up their emotions again as Remus twisted the lock behind them. That was quite enough trauma unpacking for one night. Still, once Harry was tucked in bed and they’d checked and rechecked their spells and the locks on all the windows and doors as was now their habit, they held each other especially closely that night. Remus fell asleep with the smell of saltwater and something distinctly  _ Sirius _ swirling about his head. He wouldn’t have it any other way. 


End file.
